The Three Worst Critiquers You Could Ask For...

Critique Itch: The overwhelming desire to let other people read your work, whether complete or incomplete, in search of an opinion.

We all come down with it at some point, whether it's early on in our first draft, or later in revisions, or, for a lucky few, when the whole thing is polished and complete.  I, myself, have had the itch for quite a while now.  But care must be taken when we seek out opinions and critiques about our baby.  There are certain people that just shouldn't be asked for an honest opinion about anything in terms of evaluating you or something you have crafted.  You wouldn't ask your son's first grade teacher to diagnose a rash on your left arm, now would you?  No.  Because they don't have the context to be able to evaluate something like that.  

There are three people you should never ask to critique your novel, no matter how much fiction they read...

1.  Your Mom

Yes, your mom has hopefully been there for you through thick and thin, skinned knees and lost loves, graduations and birthdays.  She has been the guiding force in your life for as long as you can remember, and you ask her opinion about any big venture in your life.  The problem with asking mom to critique your writing is that she is waaaaay too close to you to give any kind of objective opinion.  She has always thought you were a winner, no matter how defective your science project was or how ridiculous you looked in those acid washed jeans pinned tight to your ankles.  She will tell you it's wonderful; everything a good story should be and that everyone will love it for sure.  She won't mention the giant plot hole that is staring her in the face from the get-go, or the complete lack of sympathy she feels for pretty much all of your characters.

2.  Your Best Friend

No matter how many fights you've gotten in, or how many boyfriends/girlfriends you've stolen from each other, your best friend has stuck by you.  They may even be the type to be relatively honest with you when you try on something atrocious or start dating an ex-con.  But when you ask them to  critique your writing, they will:

 a) be too scared to tell you what they really think

b) be too eager to spite you after you got the hot guy's/girl's number last night

or c) not have a clue what makes writing good and shrug their shoulders at you

Best friends are incapable of being objective, much like good ol' mom, above.

3.  Your spouse/SO

When you ask your spouse to critique your novel that they have seen you pouring your spirit into for the last few weeks, months, even years, they will look at you like a deer in the headlights and may even feign an illness just to get out of it.  Of course, they may be curious to read the thing you've kept secret and been obsessed with for so long, but to give an opinion on it is a different thing, entirely.  There is no right answer for them; no opinion of theirs that you will accept.  If they say it is wonderful, you will immediately be suspicious that they are placating you and get upset.  If they say it is garbage, you will immediately be suspicious they are just mad because you spent the last twelve date nights finishing your book and get upset.  The best they can hope for is a harmless indifference toward the whole thing, after which you will also become suspicious and get upset.  It's like setting a trap for them.  Not very nice.

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't let these people read your book, because of course you should.  They will most likely want proof that you are, in fact, not insane and all that time spent obsessing about imaginary people and places was not for nothing. I just don't think these are the right people to seek a critique from.  They are your loved ones and think highly of you no matter what.  But when you feel the itch coming on, you don't want that.  You want validation.  You want to know whether or not you suck.  Hopefully, your mom, best friend, and spouse would never tell you that you suck (as a writer), even if it is, in fact, true.  

So get realistic and get a beta reader, critique partner, or writing buddy that will look at your writing objectively and critically, with their writing knowledge behind them.  It will help you learn to swallow some of the tough criticism that will no doubt come later in the querying stage.

Wal-Mart: the Enemy of Setting

We all know by now, or at least you should if you are a fiction writer, that setting is a character; that place should live, breathe, and move just as your characters do.  I can't tell you how many boring, static descriptions of places I've read in the first few pages that literally lulled me to sleep.  But aside from being static and lifeless, I'm finding many settings in fiction to be indistinguishable in their sameness.  And what do we expect?  With a Wal-Mart in every town, McDonald's and Starbucks peppering every corner, what is left to distinguish one place from another?

With emphasis on corporations, chains, and globalization, I think our culture is slowly moving away from the importance of place, and what makes place unique.  What ever happened to all the dives, greasy-spoons, and local haunts that make a place memorable?  They have all seemingly been replaced by generic, cookie-cutter restaurants and hang-outs.  And when was the last time we all stopped and truly took in our surroundings, categorizing each element of the place we call home? 

 If you are writing a story set in the desert, I want to feel the relentless sun, the dryness on my skin, see the southwestern style stuccoed houses, etc.  If you're writing about the south, I want to pass by the huge plantation houses, smell the magnolias, and sip sweet tea on the porch with your characters. 

I think Faulkner is an excellent example of an author that gave us memorable settings; places we could feel and smell, see and hold in our thoughts, as if we were really there.  In his novel, A Rose For Emily, he doesn't just describe the house where Emily lives as a bland, typical house somewhere in the south.  He artfully paints us a picture of a crumbling Mississippi town in the post-civil war south:

"It was a big, squarish frame house that had once been white, decorated with cupolas and spires and scrolled balconies in the heavily lightsome style of the seventies, set on what had once been our most select street. But garages and cotton gins had encroached and obliterated even the august names of that neighborhood; only Miss Emily's house was left, lifting its stubborn and coquettish decay above the cotton wagons and the gasoline pumps--an eyesore among eyesores."

 I suppose my point in all of this anti-Wal-Mart nonsense is simply to stress the importance of place in the world of fiction.  We are all products of place, and the characters in our novels should be no different.  Whether it be a fictional setting or a real one, make it memorable and alive and it will help bring your characters to life as well.  Be selective in your description, though.  It's quality, not quantity, we're after.

Adventures in Query Land, Part II

Adventures in Query Land:

Top Ten Ways to Annoy an Editor or Agent

 

1.  Do not check your letter for spelling errors.  In fact, make several typos in the first sentence.  That'll reel 'em in!

2.  Start your letter with a really corny little snippet of wisdom.  You know, some kind of quote like, "Every step we take in life moves us in some direction."

3.  Use incredibly tiny font; so small that they have to strain their eyes even more than usual to read it.  Also, use some crazy font that will give your letter some pizzazz! 

4.  Make sure your letter is longer than one page.  Agents and editors have loads of free time and would like nothing better than to spend oodles of it on your query alone.

5.  Be sure to include contact info that is really complicated.  For example, "You can reach me at this address, but only on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  The rest of the week I can be reached at this number, but don't call it before ten in the morning because my roommate likes to sleep in.  Also, I'm moving in a week, so after that my new address will be..."  

6.  Go ahead and use the same generalized query for anything and everything you submit.  Don't bother with any kind of specific salutation. 

7.  Use an entire paragraph to explain that you understand how busy they are and how valuable their time is.  That's not wasting more of their time at all...

8.  Make really grand claims like, "My novel appeals to everyone and I guarantee it will sell millions of copies!"

9.  Tell them about how painstaking the writing process was and how hard you've worked on your novel.  That fact alone makes it good.

10.  Be incredibly vague when describing your book and use cliches like, "It's a coming of age novel about a woman who is looking for love."  What a hook!

(P.S. These are NO-NO's.  Please don't do them.  Research query writing before you submit.  It will be worth the effort!)

Adventures in Query Land

Even though my book is nowhere near finished, sometimes I can't help it when my mind wanders into unknown territories like Query Land.  During the final stages of draft one, I have also been trying to build a measly platform by securing some freelance work.  And you know what freelancing means: a trip to Query Land!  Without a clear understanding of solid query-writing, the chances of being published for any freelance gig are about as good as winning the Powerball.  The odds don't seem to deter anyone from buying into the madness, though, do they?  So how do we make our queries stand out among the many un-researched, unedited, and otherwise unworthy ones out there?

We do it right!

Keep in mind, I am no expert.  I have yet to make my impression on the literary world.  But I am learning as I go and have picked up a few tips along the way.  I'm going to start a series this week about my "Adventures in Query Land," where I will share tips on query-writing that I have learned and/or employed on my own journey. 

Another thing to keep in mind: all agents, editors, and publishers are looking for different things.  They all have different preferences on what they want to see and how they want to see it presented.  If you are querying someone that has specific guidelines on what they are looking for, then for goodness sake, follow those guidelines.  I've heard quite a few times about editors and agents being flat out annoyed by the fact that they take the time to help writers out by posting specific guidelines, only to have them completely ignored when a writer feels their query/manuscript is simply above all that.  They don't need to follow those guidelines because they are such an exemplary writer that they will just blow that editor's or agent's mind.

If you are in this frame of mind right now as you write your stellar query that does not abide by certain guidelines, please stop.  You are making the rest of us look bad.  You're like the grown man that cuts in line when highway 5 is under construction and down to one lane because you think you're just better than everyone else and your business is far more important than ours.  We're all trying to navigate through the heinous path to getting that publishing deal.  But those orange signs that tell you how to go about it are there for a reason.  So no cutsies, jerkface.  Just get in line with the rest of us.

Ok, rant over.  The whole point of examining what makes a query good or interesting is to sort of step into the shoes of the agent or editor you are sending it to.  They probably read twenty other queries before they got to yours, and they probably have thirty more to get through by the end of the day.  If you don't take the time to be professional, but also make yours grab their interest and keep it until the end, you will disappear into the pile with the rest.

So stay tuned this week for more Adventures in Query Land.

Just Take It Bird By Bird...

I have read many books on writing, as a way to procrastinate the actual writing part of writing a book.  Some of them were a complete waste of time.  Others were pure gold and I would like to share one of those treasures with you all today.

If you are like me and feel you would almost rather throw yourself in front of a bus than face the overwhelming fear of rejection and failure in your writing, you should read this book.  It speaks to the insecurities in all of us as writers and as people.  The book is called Bird by Bird, Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott.

   

What I love most about this book is that there is an entire chapter called "Shitty First Drafts" and the next chapter is "Perfectionism".  The most difficult obstacle I have faced in my writing and still struggle with today is the fear.  The overwhelming anxiety that I am not good enough and have no business pretending to be.  I'm not sure if I've alluded to my personality enough here, (I've probably beaten you over the head with it by now) but to shorten a very long laundry list of quirks, I am a perfectionist.  Through the course of finding my voice as a writer, I have come to the realization that perfectionism is a distraction from reality.  It's like a blindfold that prevents you from seeing the truly marvelous mess of life.  Somewhere down the line, I made the very convoluted decision that the possibility of failure was much too scary and not even worth the effort it takes to put myself out there.  Miss Lamott explains it much better than I do:

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.  It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft.  I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die.  The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it."

She goes on in more detail, but I'll let you discover it for yourselves in the book.  This mindset is so detrimental to achieving success as a writer, and I continue to fight it on a daily basis.  If you have even the tiniest bit of self-doubt, which a lot of writers do, check out this book.  It might change your perspective.  At the very least, it will give you valuable insight on writing and life.  Happy Easter, everyone!

He Said, She Said: Finding the Balance of Good Dialogue

5 Things to Remember When Writing Dialogue

Dialogue is such an important part of a novel.  It shapes characters, saying more about them than descriptions ever could.  It is also a much subtler way to hint at certain traits you want the reader to pick up on without painstakingly spelling it out.  Dialogue, when it's done right, can enrich your story and build depth.  It can also damage it beyond all repair.  So where is the balance?  

I read an article about an editor sharing some pointers to writers once.  It was so long ago I couldn't even tell you who the editor was, but the point of it really stuck with me.  One of the tips she shared was about dialogue.  She said that the first thing some of her agent friends would look at when picking up a proposed manuscript was how much white space was on the pages.  Before even reading a word of it, they would flip through and decide whether or not there was too much or too little blank space.  If it wasn't a good ratio, they would toss it aside, without even giving it a chance.

Scary, right?  To think that the amount of dialogue in your story has that much influence right out of the gate?  Well, don't despair.  I've got a few tips that can help make your dialogue the best it can be.

     1.  Scene vs. Summary 

Throughout your story, some pieces of the plot will be detailed scenes and others will be summaries or reflection.  Part of the balance of good dialogue is knowing when to pull the reader into a scene and include lots of juicy dialogue and when to summarize or reflect upon the less active parts.  If you tend to write lots of dialogue in your story, it may be beneficial to pull out some of the less dynamic scenes and summarize them for the reader.  If you are the opposite and tend to write very little dialogue, try to pinpoint some crucial parts of the story to expand on in a scene with lots of important dialogue.  It's good to follow a dynamic scene with some summary or reflection.

2.   TV Speak vs. Real People Speak

While watching many of the latest sitcoms and dramas, I have noticed that the characters on tv have a very special language that is not used anywhere else.  I like to refer to it as TV Speak.  It is the unending, witty banter that assaults my ears every time I watch and sometimes makes me want to throw things at the tv.  If you haven't already figured it out, I will let you in on the secret: real people in everyday life DO NOT TALK LIKE THAT.  Yes, sometimes it is more potent than everyday language, but I find it downright annoying.  So please, do not feel that because you are putting a story out there in public view for all to see, that you must use TV Speak.  Maybe it's just me, but I find that the more real a character seems, the more it pulls me deeper into the story.  (It's not just me, by the way.  It's agents, editors, publishers, and most of the general public, too)  So take some time to listen to real people having real conversations in the real world.  Your characters will thank you for it.

3.   He Said, She Said

When writing a scene, it is important to make it clear who is saying what in a conversation.  The easiest and most commonly used way to distinguish the speaker is by using the word said.  Use it too often, i.e. after every single voiced comment, and the reader is bombarded by an army of saids, disrupting the otherwise pleasant flow of language in the story.  Use it too sparingly and the reader may become utterly confused.  Once again, the all-important concept of balance comes into play.  When two people are speaking, you can establish the "he said, she said" with their first comments.  After that, it's not really necessary to continue with "he said" after every comment.  We, the intelligent readers, can figure out the ABAB talking scheme for ourselves.  Once you write in some narration, though, you should re-establish who is talking again.  When you have more than two people speaking to each other, it's important to sprinkle a healthy dose of saids, just enough to keep us from losing track of who is speaking.

4.   Said Substitutes

Other words, such as replied, answered, or asked, can be substituted for said. Approach this concept with caution, though.  If you find that your characters are chortling, bellowing, or snickering, you have waded past the safe zone and into the deep end of horribly cliched, bad dialogue.  Just. Don't. Do it.  Be frugal with your said substitutes or you will end up slowing down your story significantly.

5.   Name-Calling

One of my biggest pet-peeves in reading dialogue is when the speakers, whether familiar with each other or not, use each others' names every single time they speak.  Here, let me show you:

"Henry, I told you to take out the garbage yesterday."

"But Aunt Jenna, I'm meeting some friends."

"No, Henry.  You need to take out the garbage now."

"You're so mean Aunt Jenna."

Ick.  It is annoying, unrealistic, and just plain unnatural.  Another pointer about this same passage: Don't allow your characters to address each other by their titles all the time either.  How often do you address your aunts, uncles, or doctors like that?  That's what I thought.  

Dialogue is a tricky medium and using it correctly is essential to a successful novel.  I hope these pointers help you writers out there as they have helped me.  Happy dialoguing!

The Craptastic Early Years: When Taste Exceeds Talent

Just to recap: I have been working on this book for about two years now.  I took almost a whole year to explore the concept and characters, and then began the actual writing about a year ago.  Why has it taken so long, you ask?  Because I move at the pace of a sloth; to get into the mindset of writing and shut out the laundry piling up, dishes in the sink, crumbs on the counters, toys on the floor and dust on every piece of furniture we own takes a herculean amount of effort for me.  Needless to say, I would be elated to finish this draft and put some space between us.  (My neglected house and family would be just as elated, I'm sure)

So when I sit down to write and find that the only thing coming out of me is pure garbage spewed onto the page, I get upset; so upset that I cannot continue.  I then decide, to the dismay of writing gurus everywhere, to go back and reread some of the story.  What do I find?

MORE CRAP.

Pure word vomit, splattered everywhere.  Hello, my name is Amy, and right now I hate everything I have written.  What I really want to do is delete the entire thing and start over from scratch.  Thankfully, my better judgement stepped in and directed me, instead, to some wonderful resources on the interweb.

I consulted the wise Jane Friedman and her plethora of writing advice.   I found a post titled, "You Hate Your Writing?  That's A Good Sign" and lit up at the happy coincidence.  She describes a video series on YouTube from Ira Glass on story telling.  I dutifully clicked on the link and watched the series.  I would highly recommend watching this, whether you are a writer in crisis or not. 

He is talking about broadcasting in particular, but it does apply to any creative endeavor, really.  He says that when you are just starting out in the creative process, what you are producing is crap.  This is normal to produce crap and everyone does.  You have to push through the crap to get to the good stuff.  He also says that the fact that you know it's crap is a good sign.  Your taste is good, if not great, and that is what made you jump into the creative fray to begin with.  You can see, with your good taste, that what you are producing is not living up to that and disappointing you.  With practice, you will close the gap between taste and talent, but for now, be satisfied in the garbage and don't give up.

I cannot tell you how uplifting it was to come across this.  I knew, starting out, that I wasn't going to just type excellence on my computer every day and finish a perfect book instantly.  But when you're stuck in the middle of a long process, it can be hard to see any kind of closure and push through to get to it.

If you are in a similar place this morning and feel you would rather claw your eyes out than continue writing the same trash you have been writing since, oh, the first time you picked up a pen, know that you are not alone in your craptastic early years and that it just means you have exceptional taste.