The Three Worst Critiquers You Could Ask For...

Critique Itch: The overwhelming desire to let other people read your work, whether complete or incomplete, in search of an opinion.

We all come down with it at some point, whether it's early on in our first draft, or later in revisions, or, for a lucky few, when the whole thing is polished and complete.  I, myself, have had the itch for quite a while now.  But care must be taken when we seek out opinions and critiques about our baby.  There are certain people that just shouldn't be asked for an honest opinion about anything in terms of evaluating you or something you have crafted.  You wouldn't ask your son's first grade teacher to diagnose a rash on your left arm, now would you?  No.  Because they don't have the context to be able to evaluate something like that.  

There are three people you should never ask to critique your novel, no matter how much fiction they read...

1.  Your Mom

Yes, your mom has hopefully been there for you through thick and thin, skinned knees and lost loves, graduations and birthdays.  She has been the guiding force in your life for as long as you can remember, and you ask her opinion about any big venture in your life.  The problem with asking mom to critique your writing is that she is waaaaay too close to you to give any kind of objective opinion.  She has always thought you were a winner, no matter how defective your science project was or how ridiculous you looked in those acid washed jeans pinned tight to your ankles.  She will tell you it's wonderful; everything a good story should be and that everyone will love it for sure.  She won't mention the giant plot hole that is staring her in the face from the get-go, or the complete lack of sympathy she feels for pretty much all of your characters.

2.  Your Best Friend

No matter how many fights you've gotten in, or how many boyfriends/girlfriends you've stolen from each other, your best friend has stuck by you.  They may even be the type to be relatively honest with you when you try on something atrocious or start dating an ex-con.  But when you ask them to  critique your writing, they will:

 a) be too scared to tell you what they really think

b) be too eager to spite you after you got the hot guy's/girl's number last night

or c) not have a clue what makes writing good and shrug their shoulders at you

Best friends are incapable of being objective, much like good ol' mom, above.

3.  Your spouse/SO

When you ask your spouse to critique your novel that they have seen you pouring your spirit into for the last few weeks, months, even years, they will look at you like a deer in the headlights and may even feign an illness just to get out of it.  Of course, they may be curious to read the thing you've kept secret and been obsessed with for so long, but to give an opinion on it is a different thing, entirely.  There is no right answer for them; no opinion of theirs that you will accept.  If they say it is wonderful, you will immediately be suspicious that they are placating you and get upset.  If they say it is garbage, you will immediately be suspicious they are just mad because you spent the last twelve date nights finishing your book and get upset.  The best they can hope for is a harmless indifference toward the whole thing, after which you will also become suspicious and get upset.  It's like setting a trap for them.  Not very nice.

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't let these people read your book, because of course you should.  They will most likely want proof that you are, in fact, not insane and all that time spent obsessing about imaginary people and places was not for nothing. I just don't think these are the right people to seek a critique from.  They are your loved ones and think highly of you no matter what.  But when you feel the itch coming on, you don't want that.  You want validation.  You want to know whether or not you suck.  Hopefully, your mom, best friend, and spouse would never tell you that you suck (as a writer), even if it is, in fact, true.  

So get realistic and get a beta reader, critique partner, or writing buddy that will look at your writing objectively and critically, with their writing knowledge behind them.  It will help you learn to swallow some of the tough criticism that will no doubt come later in the querying stage.

Adventures in Query Land, Part II

Adventures in Query Land:

Top Ten Ways to Annoy an Editor or Agent

 

1.  Do not check your letter for spelling errors.  In fact, make several typos in the first sentence.  That'll reel 'em in!

2.  Start your letter with a really corny little snippet of wisdom.  You know, some kind of quote like, "Every step we take in life moves us in some direction."

3.  Use incredibly tiny font; so small that they have to strain their eyes even more than usual to read it.  Also, use some crazy font that will give your letter some pizzazz! 

4.  Make sure your letter is longer than one page.  Agents and editors have loads of free time and would like nothing better than to spend oodles of it on your query alone.

5.  Be sure to include contact info that is really complicated.  For example, "You can reach me at this address, but only on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  The rest of the week I can be reached at this number, but don't call it before ten in the morning because my roommate likes to sleep in.  Also, I'm moving in a week, so after that my new address will be..."  

6.  Go ahead and use the same generalized query for anything and everything you submit.  Don't bother with any kind of specific salutation. 

7.  Use an entire paragraph to explain that you understand how busy they are and how valuable their time is.  That's not wasting more of their time at all...

8.  Make really grand claims like, "My novel appeals to everyone and I guarantee it will sell millions of copies!"

9.  Tell them about how painstaking the writing process was and how hard you've worked on your novel.  That fact alone makes it good.

10.  Be incredibly vague when describing your book and use cliches like, "It's a coming of age novel about a woman who is looking for love."  What a hook!

(P.S. These are NO-NO's.  Please don't do them.  Research query writing before you submit.  It will be worth the effort!)

Adventures in Query Land

Even though my book is nowhere near finished, sometimes I can't help it when my mind wanders into unknown territories like Query Land.  During the final stages of draft one, I have also been trying to build a measly platform by securing some freelance work.  And you know what freelancing means: a trip to Query Land!  Without a clear understanding of solid query-writing, the chances of being published for any freelance gig are about as good as winning the Powerball.  The odds don't seem to deter anyone from buying into the madness, though, do they?  So how do we make our queries stand out among the many un-researched, unedited, and otherwise unworthy ones out there?

We do it right!

Keep in mind, I am no expert.  I have yet to make my impression on the literary world.  But I am learning as I go and have picked up a few tips along the way.  I'm going to start a series this week about my "Adventures in Query Land," where I will share tips on query-writing that I have learned and/or employed on my own journey. 

Another thing to keep in mind: all agents, editors, and publishers are looking for different things.  They all have different preferences on what they want to see and how they want to see it presented.  If you are querying someone that has specific guidelines on what they are looking for, then for goodness sake, follow those guidelines.  I've heard quite a few times about editors and agents being flat out annoyed by the fact that they take the time to help writers out by posting specific guidelines, only to have them completely ignored when a writer feels their query/manuscript is simply above all that.  They don't need to follow those guidelines because they are such an exemplary writer that they will just blow that editor's or agent's mind.

If you are in this frame of mind right now as you write your stellar query that does not abide by certain guidelines, please stop.  You are making the rest of us look bad.  You're like the grown man that cuts in line when highway 5 is under construction and down to one lane because you think you're just better than everyone else and your business is far more important than ours.  We're all trying to navigate through the heinous path to getting that publishing deal.  But those orange signs that tell you how to go about it are there for a reason.  So no cutsies, jerkface.  Just get in line with the rest of us.

Ok, rant over.  The whole point of examining what makes a query good or interesting is to sort of step into the shoes of the agent or editor you are sending it to.  They probably read twenty other queries before they got to yours, and they probably have thirty more to get through by the end of the day.  If you don't take the time to be professional, but also make yours grab their interest and keep it until the end, you will disappear into the pile with the rest.

So stay tuned this week for more Adventures in Query Land.